On
a good day I like to think of myself as a relatively logical person,
a practical person.
I
like to think my emotions are mostly in check and that I possess some
emotional intelligence. But then, the clouds roll in, the sky grows
dark.
My
smile won't quite reach my eyes. I feel like a fraud, because for all
the positive words and good advice I give to others, I am unable to
give myself any.
I
am again walking in the dark with White Knuckles, increasing anxiety,
and thoughts I do not want anyone else to know.
And
I wonder,
Why?!
Why
do I want to be alone?
Why
do I want to run back to my old ways, like a dog returning to it's
vomit.
How
is it that I am both grossly aware of all of this and unable to
change it?
Then
I stop, I take a deep breath and remember what I already know. I
remember all of the other times I had been lost in the dark. I
remember God's promises.
In
doing this, I know that there is a deeper meaning, and there are
gifts for me left in these dark places. I have been given these
things to carry back into the light.
Isaiah
45:3 says;
I
will give you the treasures of darkness, and hidden riches of secret
places that you may know that I, the Lord, who called you by your
name, Am the God of Israel.
This
scripture tells me that there is value in the dark; that our pain can
be priceless.
So
I googled it. There where numerous sites that all state similar
points. How pain makes us enjoy the good times even more. How pain
leads to critical information and self-knowledge, how processing
emotional pain can reduce fear, lead to a greater capacity for love,
compassion and connection, or like my grandma used to say, pain makes
you stronger.
These
things are all true, yet I wanted to examine what the ultimate search
engine says about are suffering. I found quite a bit about it in the
Word.
Jesus
had a heart for the for those of us lost in the dark. He broke bread
with Beggars and thieves. He sought out men and women called them by
other names and brought them into the light into the truth.
When
we view our wanderings and our suffering through the Cross, what we
see changes. If I look at my life carnally it might kind of suck real
bad. I've been molested, raped, a teenage mother, High School
Dropout, a drug addict, I lost my sister to Suicide, been to
prison... Multiple times. Now I'm off to drugs, but my family is at
odds with one another, I'm still broke, no car, my fiance may be
headed back to prison. I now have not only my elderly mother to help
care for, but my fiance's family as well. It's a lot. I mean A LOT.
However, I do not view my life from that lens anymore.
What
I see now, is a merciful loving father who has delivered me out of
the throes of a 10-year IV drug addiction, and from that, he put me
in a safe place (prison) until I could heal from all the things what
I went through when I was younger and vulnerable and defenseless.
Which really meant I had to surrender. He loved me until I could love
myself, he waited patiently while I learned to let go of all of the
guilt, shame, and self condemnation. He put people in my life
everywhere I went, from the very beginning, that have poured into me.
People who have believed in me and carried me when I couldn't carry
myself. When I examine my treasures I am overwhelmed.
Before
I came to know Christ, I lived inside the fear of not having enough.
The law of scarcity ruled. The Treasure of that particular Darkness
is that now I know that I am part of the Kingdom of Heaven. What do I
need to fear? When I allow the knowledge of this to dictate how I
live my life, I can live My Kingdom Life, With open Hands and an open
heart. That is living in surrender that allows the Holy Spirit to
take the Throne of my heart. I see a connection between Isaiah 45: 3
and the Beatitudes. In poverty we find the richness of His Spirit.
We find that we are the sons and the daughters of the most high King.
We find that when the darkest nights of loss and mourning strike we
can take them to the Cross, where His love can engulf us and fill us
with peace that we don't understand, that is beyond our
understanding.
I
want to encourage you. I have noticed that many of my closest friends
and even myself have all been going through some really heavy stuff.
I know that we carry a lot. Sometimes, it's difficult to comprehend
how it is we just lay it all down and let go. No one would hurt and
struggle if they knew how to be free. I believe that is why God
created us to be in community. To help one another search for our
prized jewels while we wander around in the dark. So shout out. Reach
out. God will never leave you alone. We are His body. And we are
reaching for you.
